Mill Valley

November 12

Strange to be back in Mill Valley, exactly seven months from my last arrival here. How things change! I thought I was moving here for a year to be with Andrew, only to meet U.G., leave Andrew and return East. And now I am spending all this time with U.G. Why? Who knows. It can only be fatal attraction.

Minutes after getting to the house Terry called asking me if I wanted to have lunch at Marvin Gardens with U.G. and the others. Did I! I was over there in a flash and drove to Larkspur with U.G., Moorty – here from Seaside for the weekend – and Douglas Rosestone. Very good to see U.G. again and I thought he looked well, more rested than in New York. The restaurant, owned by U.G.'s friends Bob and Paul, had a closed sign in the window, and U.G. just walked in and turned the sign around.

We had a big lunch with U.G. holding court. I'm reminded anew each time how graceful he is. Yet all the while he was going for people, Terry and Douglas particularly. He chides Terry unmercifully about his opinions, his socialist political views, teasing him about his hero, economist Edward Bellamy who U.G. calls Edward Baloney, and Douglas for being miserly and withholding. Terry barbs right back that if he had been born a Brahmin with a silver spoon in his mouth like U.G. his views would be different, complains about being asked out to lunch only to be criticized! Still, I see affection as the underlying fabric of these relationships.

At no time was the little apartment, the Crow's Nest, devoid of visitors. U.G. says this is the way it is most of the time, particularly in India. It is a peaceful scene, people milling in and out, talking with U.G., or off in the kitchen drinking coffee amongst themselves. U.G. is always the center of attention and energy but the atmosphere is relaxed yet charged with life. Many of the people around him here have known U.G. for 20 years or so, often predating the ‘Calamity’. They have an easy, bantering relationship with him, respectful always, but at ease. I feel very much at home with all of them and increasingly, almost completely with U.G.

Utterly immersed in U.G., lost in a delicious way in his presence and the group energy around him. I felt no conflict or pull towards anything other than being with him. I don't understand it and don't care. With U.G. there are none of the sadhanas nor observations of Andrew, just him. He doesn't know who or what he is or what effect he is having on others, nor even if he is enlightened. He says if you are enlightened, you can't know it. I think I am beginning to understand his desire to demonstrate to the world, or to whoever is interested, that what happened to him, his return to the natural state has no religious content at all, has nothing to do with holiness or holy men, or the great vastness, or anything. It is just his body functioning in its perfect, unique way, doing what comes naturally to it.

This is a major message, as most people are so obsessed with becoming, self-improvement, seeking salvation and the like, always with the assumption that there is something wrong. U.G. says there is nothing wrong except our idea that something is wrong. On the other hand, he says the world, or at least human life is probably doomed, that its annihilation is practically assured. But that the process might be slowed down by the recognition of mutual terror, that killing one's neighbor is killing oneself. This might seem to imply that there is something wrong, but to the contrary, there is no way for us to know what Nature intends. The human mind may be in itself, in its very evolution towards inappropriate usage, a self-destruct mechanism reflecting the larger picture that what is born must die. Including, ultimately, a species.

I am fatally attracted. U.G. has mentioned my dream about suicide several times and incorporated potassium cyanide into his speech. I know the me that I think I am is mortally threatened, but I don't seem to care. I don't even feel that frightened. I feel, to the contrary, at one with and energized by whatever is unraveling moment to moment. I experience U.G., as most people do once you get past his rejecting, negative first impression to seekers, as compassionate and loving, yet impersonal. He would slash out those adjectives, but then I would be left with the realization that there are no words to describe this man adequately. The words are only pointers to what he is, to his impact.

Terry described him as a Colossus and that sounds about right. Whatever it is, it is immense and volcanic and silent and Plutonic, destructive and tender and delicate – he is a beautiful man with no pretenses or affectations. His speech and repetition of stories and metaphors are the manifestations of his energy, his way of responding to the stimulus of human life. He gives endlessly of himself and it is touching yet overwhelming to be around him. I feel fortunate indeed and thank God my neurosis didn't keep me from making the moves I did to be with him, like offering my apartment, coming out here.

Moorty also mentioned in the car that the very quality that U.G. emphasizes about you is the quality that will become unraveled, and in my case it is perhaps his saying over and over again, “She's so efficient....”

~ ~

I'm spending these days in Mill Valley, but it might be anywhere in the world. Engrossed with U.G., I have no inclination to do anything else, walk on Mt. Tamalpais, shop, see people. All I want to do is be with him. What is it?

U.G. called at 7:30 yesterday morning. I was in the shower and when I called him back right after, he apologized for disturbing me! These manners are so impeccable and simplicity so striking in a man with such fire and power. He asked me what my plans were and asked me if I could go with him to the Michael Toms radio taping. I was delighted to be asked, but then it turned out that Terry and Larry were also there at the Crow's Nest and the person driving him over seemed hesitant. U.G. immediately sized up the situation and said Larry and I could go for a walk while he went to the studio. He seems to know instantly what is appropriate in any occasion, vini yoga according to Terry, and act on it. No conflict, no explanation.

The interview went well and when U.G. returned, he wanted to go to Larkspur for lunch. When Leslie and I reminded him some people were coming at three, he immediately canceled the Larkspur plans saying he would never keep anyone waiting or not show up, he had too much respect for other people.

A large group came and U.G. was very animated and eloquent. He seemed fiery yet gentle, amazing. Many more people came in the evening with just time for a little spaghetti in between groups. I taped some good conversations between U.G. and Terry on sex and Bob and U.G. on J. Krishnamurti, on the mind and why we have it if it is against nature. U.G. says it is perhaps part of nature's self-destruct, realigning principal.

The two days in Seaside were intense and amazing. Friday U.G., Douglas, Moorty and I went malling and I videotaped U.G. at K Mart, in a health food store (a first?) and around the Moorty's house.

In the afternoon Douglas, who was with U.G. in Switzerland when he had his Calamity in 1967, began describing this time from memory. How he had been with U.G. when he went to hear the J. Krishnamurti lecture in Saanan that seemed to set things off, U.G.'s realization that he was already in the state J.K. was describing. How Valentine thought U.G. was dying and called Douglas, panicked, and how Douglas went into U.G.'s room and found him rigid, bent like a bow, but past the point of dying. He said the siddhi, the spiritual power in the room, was so intense it nearly knocked him over.

U.G. went on, then, to talk about his days in Italy when he had to get away from Valentine, from everyone and underwent the hormonal mutation, one side of his body making love to the other, male and female combined, Shiva and Parvati commingled in Tantric sex. At the end of this nearly unbearable time, the sex drive was burned out, finished for ever. Then began the series of visitations of animals and manifestations of enlightened consciousness, Jesus, Buddha, Mohammed, the rishis. He was one with each one, experiencing the consciousness, seeing it was one and the same as his own.

It is impossible to write about this. The intensity of this recollection was overwhelming. Finally, almost collapsed with the impact of this dialogue, I grabbed the video camera and began taping. I had missed these memories, but U.G. was in a mellow and reflective mood. I felt lost in a kind of reverie, barely able to hold the camera, feeling I was melting, leaving my body myself. I felt love and utter helplessness in the presence of this extraordinary man, yet I was able to tape him and later drive to the grocery store with him and Moorty.

Once again, there in the parking lot, I was faced with a remarkable interchange between U.G. and Moorty. U.G. used the excuse of asking Moorty his spiritual advice about his desire to talk to the media about enlightenment having no religious content, to make contact with Moorty, to draw him out and meet him on the deepest of levels. Again, impossible to describe this, even the thick atmosphere in the car, suffocatingly beautiful.

Moorty and I sat up late talking, he describing what happened with U.G. and me trying to take it all in. I can, like everyone else who knows him, talk about him for hours and hours on end, endlessly and passionately.

Sunday U.G. and I went out shopping for the lunch early and drove around Pacific Grove a bit. A large group came for lunch and to hear U.G. and ask questions. I videotaped it, and not fully recovered from the previous day, again had to struggle to sustain consciousness. Looking through the video camera at his face offers no relief from this powerful energy. I am being consumed.

~ ~

U.G. and I drove back to San Francisco at the end of the event. We talked in the car about travel plans, more precisely whether I would be able to go with him now, stay with him and go to India via Switzerland in the next few days. I want to do this, with all my heart. And I think I will.

The last day in Mill Valley was intense. I saw U.G.'s teaching quite clearly for the first time, how he works with people. Terry and Douglas were bickering and competing with each other. So U.G. just refused to let either of them come to the “Last Supper” at Robert's and Paul's. Completely unemotional and detached, he said, “I don't want to talk to him or see him” about Douglas, and told Terry to stay home and not come. Terry was hurt and angry, and passed the West Coast archives, (his collection of U.G. memorabilia, book material and so forth) on to me, asking me to take them to New York. I said I would only do this if he informed U.G., which he did. Terry was in obvious pain.

It was only yesterday, back in New York, after the interview with Omni, that Terry called to see how it went. He and U.G. had a beautiful interchange, full of love on U.G.'s part, and assurances to Terry that he was #1 devotee, tongue in cheek to be sure, but still re-establishing contact. He says he never holds onto any feeling or emotion, once something has passed it is finished. Terry, apparently, said he had benefitted from U.G.'s action, that he understood it had been just what he needed. U.G. assured him also that he, U.G., had told Douglas he didn't want to see him either, that last day.

The Omni interview was good. She (Joan Greenberg) seemed fascinated with U.G.'s message and ended the interview bursting out, “I just have to tell you that you're so incredibly handsome!” U.G. laughed and said it was because he eats foods with preservatives, no health foods, no vegetables, doesn't exercise, rarely sleeps.

Pushing myself to get ready to leave with U.G. How long will he wait for me? I want to go with him, rather than meeting him in India. He is ready to move on. But it's Thanksgiving, my mother is having a cataract operation next week, the kids are all here, I'm waiting for a camera from Mill Valley, etc. Feel a little pressured, but realize it will all work out for the best.

Thanksgiving has come and gone and so has U.G. He was restless and left, Thanksgiving afternoon. My family was omnipresent, as were friends, and I was torn between my sense of obligation to all of them and my desire to be with him. U.G. made the decision, sensing that I needed the extra week to organize equipment, my apartment, and to be present at my mother's cataract operation. When he told me he wanted to go and went to Swissair to confirm his ticket, I said I felt sad to be left behind. He said the sadness was the other side of being excited, perfectly normal. When Kim and I drove him to the airport Thanksgiving afternoon, he told me to buy a one-way economy ticket to Bombay, that luxury would begin in India!

Two mornings later he called from Bombay, he said he had only stayed one day in Zurich and had bought me a tube of Roc crème vitaminée at the pharmacy (I had asked him to, since I wasn't going to Switzerland, and then immediately felt perhaps I shouldn't have imposed on him). He was going immediately to Bangalore for a week and would return to Bombay to meet me this next Sunday. He would arrange help for me passing through customs.

U.G. just called again – 8 p.m. in India, 10:00 a.m. here. I could hear my own voice echoing itself, disconcerting. He said that's what the mind does habitually, it parrots itself. He said we are going to spend ten days in Bombay, ten days in Delhi, a few days in Hyderabad and then back to Bangalore.

Mostly I am thrilled and excited. I feel the pull of the anxiety of my mother and daughter, but know they'll be fine once I'm gone. I have never been as sure of any decision. It is utterly choiceless and I can't wait to be on my way. This is it!